The Immortal - Book 1
-- by Joseph John (JJ) Dewey
Becoming - Chapter 16
After getting to bed so late, I was hoping to be able to sleep
in, but was awakened by Elizabeth shaking my shoulder.
"My legs! I can't move my legs at all!"
"Maybe they're just asleep," I said, half asleep
myself.
"No. No. It's worse than it was before. I can barely move
them at all now. Help me!"
I hated feeling so powerless, but helped her up into her wheelchair.
"Look! " she cried "My legs are now totally
useless. Even at their worst they had some strength, but now it's
worse than ever. Did you bring that handkerchief back?"
"Honey, John said I couldn't..."
"What kind of man is this guy? He gives me a gift and
takes it away. Now I'm worse than I was. I wish I had never even
seen John." Elizabeth sobbed bitterly.
I knelt in front of her and took her hand firmly. "Don't
say that, sweetie. Because of John you now know for sure it is
possible to be healed. He said if I solved the first three keys,
you would be healed. We must look forward to that time."
She gathered her composure for a moment and asked, "So,
did you get the first one yet?"
"Not yet, but I'm getting closer."
"Maybe you are and just maybe this is some cosmic joke
and there is no answer. Maybe we are nothing and going nowhere,"
she said, starting to cry again.
I hugged her for a moment and then lifted her chin and looked
deeply into her eyes. "I know there is an answer. I will
find it."
Elizabeth turned her head away. "So consciousness is not
the answer?"
"No."
"So try nothing next time. That will be as good
as anything. You've guessed everything else we could be."
I was startled with her coldness. "I've never seen you
so negative."
"Negative? You don't know negative," she said bitterly.
"Call Doctor Kovorkian and I'll show you negative!"
I felt a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach as she said
that. I felt like running out of her presence as far as I could.
It was as if it was not her who was talking, but some hateful
being. Nevertheless, I knew I had to override that feeling and
show her all the love I could.
"You'll get your legs back. This is just a temporary thing,"
I tried to assure her. "We'll take you to the doctor. Maybe
he can give you something."
"The doctor never helps. I'm staying right here."
"I'll call your mom and she can come over while I show
some homes."
"I'm not helpless. Just go and I'll take care of myself."
Elizabeth wheeled herself out of the bedroom toward the kitchen.
I called her mother anyway to keep an eye on her when I had
to be out. There was a certain amount of work I had to do to survive
financially, and I spent all the time I could with Elizabeth,
but nothing I could do or say seemed to help. She was in the darkest
spirits I had ever seen her in. It was almost as if she were turning
into another person. Realizing she may not have much time left,
I thought every spare moment about the newest hints and the first
key. I came up with a few ideas and thought I would share them
with Wayne during our next breakfast.
When Sunday came, Elizabeth was still in a negative state and
didn't even want me to have breakfast with Wayne. I assured her
I needed someone to bounce ideas off of and of the importance
of solving the keys, but she seemed to act as if I were wasting
my time. She was generally very supportive and this resistance
did not seem like her. I went to see Wayne despite her comments.
"I see we're back to our regular eating place," said
Wayne. "How was your week?"
"It was the best of times and the worst of times,"
I said with a forced smile.
"I've had a few weeks like that," he said. "So
have you decided that we are consciousness or have you come up
with some even heavier thought?"
"I've concluded that the core of our being is not consciousness,
but uses consciousness. Consciousness is like a camera and our
true self is like the one who takes the pictures."
"So who or what is the one who takes the pictures?"
Wayne asked.
"I'm not sure yet. You know the philosopher Descartes
tried to discover what there was in man that he could call real
and he came up with the phrase I think, therefore, I am."
"Yes," Wayne agreed. "If I remember right, the
famous Latin phrase was cogito ergo sum. Descartes, using
the process of elimination, concluded that the only thing he knew
for sure was that he was thinking, therefore he had to exist.
That was one of the few things I learned in college. I think it's
interesting that both Descartes and God reduced our essence to
the phrase I AM. Maybe we just are and it's a great mystery we
will never know or understand."
"Funny you should say that. I've been studying the words
of God to Moses and the phrase I AM that I AM is a mistranslation.
The literal translation according to scholars is I am becoming
that I am becoming. Go tell the children of Israel that He who
is becoming has sent you. Taking this into consideration,
it seems that the essence of God which may be our own essence
also has something to do with the process of becoming."
"So maybe Descartes should have said I think, therefore
I am becoming."
"That probably would have been more accurate," I
said, "but I think there is some mystery behind all this
that we just haven't seen yet. We have an essence that is becoming,
changing or evolving, but I don't think I've found it yet."
"I doubt if we ever will," said Wayne. "We just
are. Any more than that would be just about impossible for us
to find out."
"It can't be impossible!" I said with greater volume
and emotion than I had anticipated.
Wayne looked startled. "Whatever you say, buddy. You feel
pretty strong about this quest of yours, don't you?"
"I suppose. I didn't mean to startle you. I kind of feel
under a lot of pressure. Elizabeth is quite a bit worse again,
my finances for helping her are limited and my emotions are on
edge."
"I feel for you and her. Want me to drop by some evening
this week and see if I can cheer her up?"
"It might not hurt, but call first. She's been kind of
withdrawn lately. She acts like she doesn't want to see anyone."
"Sometimes it's good to have company, even when you're
not in the mood."
"I agree. Now getting back to our main line of thought."
I said, leaning forward. "What do you think it is that is
in us that is becoming? It can't just be called I AM. There's
got to be a name for it."
"If I didn't know you better, I would say you're becoming
obsessed here with this idea. Here we're talking about a crisis
with your wife and you switch the topic back to philosophy. It
seems kind of strange."
"You're right, it does seem strange, but I have a good
reason for it." I paused for a moment to think of a good
reason that would not be a lie. "Elizabeth is very interested
in my finding the answer. I think it will lift her spirits if
I can come up with something good."
Wayne didn't looked convinced. "That's an odd way to lift
someone's spirits."
I paused. I really hated holding out on Wayne. "We've
been friends a long time," I finally said. "Could you
just trust me on this? It would mean a lot to me and possibly
to Elizabeth."
Wayne looked me in the eye. "I've known you a long time.
I think there's something you're not telling me here, but if it's
important, I'll just play along."
"There is something I can't tell you. All I can tell you
right now is that it is important that I find the answer to this
question."
"Now you've really got me curious." Wayne leaned
forward and lowered his voice. "Come on. You can tell me.
You tell me everything."
"I'll tell you as soon as I can, but just not now."
Wayne leaned back. "OK. I'll let you off the hook for
now, but I'll expect the juicy details soon. Why do I keep getting
the feeling that you think you've had some vision or something?"
I tried to smile nonchalantly. "Who knows? Now I want
you to wrack that brain of yours and tell me if you have any deeper
thoughts on this subject."
"Answer me this then. Do you really think we are capable
of getting the right answer?"
"You know I've never lied to you. I will tell you this.
I happen to know that we are capable of getting the answer."
"You think so," Wayne said looking at me squarely.
"I told you I know so," I said with emphasis.
"OK," said Wayne. "We'll proceed on the assumption
you are correct here and that we can really go where no man has
gone before. Perhaps a key here is God really said to Moses he
is becoming rather than he just is. Becoming implies action, movement,
evolution, whereas I AM implies a static, unchangeable state.
Now all religions that I know of think that God is perfect and
does not change, but I AM BECOMING implies a God who is changing
and moving toward a higher state. That means He isn't perfect,
because if He were, He wouldn't have to evolve any further. Maybe
humans are gods, as some teach, for the very reason that we are
imperfect and that we are also in a constant state of change and
evolution. Maybe the perfection of God is just some hocus pocus
passed down through the ages and is completely false. Maybe God
is trapped in this universe and is just trying to find his way
home like the song says."
A light went off in my head. "Good Wayne! I don't know
if you're right, but at least you're leading us into new territory.
Now let's assume that you're on the right track about what God
is. If we are truly gods, then who or what would we be?"
"That's a hard one. Maybe we're movement or action,"
said Wayne.
"You know, that could be it. Everything else that people
think we are is just a vehicle or instrument that we use, but
action or movement is not a vehicle. You know, as scientists investigate
the atomic world they find only motion, but have not found anything
they consider solid. When you think of it, everything is made
of wavelengths in motion, therefore the answer may be motion."
"That's true. Without motion on the atomic level there
would be no life, or form, as we know it."
I reached in my pocket for money to pay for my breakfast. "I
think we're on the right track. I feel it in my gut. Thanks for
your help Wayne. Sorry to cut our breakfast short, but I've got
to go." I stood up, ready to leave.
"Why do I get the feeling we'll be talking about this
again?" Wayne mused as we walked toward the cashier..
"You're probably right, my friend. You're probably right."