Recognizing the Grievance

2000-5-2 11:01:00

My Friends,

There has been an interesting classroom fomenting today. And even though some hurtful words have been exchanged the circumstances here are very fruitful examples to aid in the understanding of the current lesson. Some have wondered, "Have the exchanges of strong emotion been in category one or two? Hasn't there been a grievance here somewhere?"

Let us take Brian's remark toward Judes: "It just so happens that I've heard stories about you abusing your child, Judes. Ooops....I'm late....no time ....gotta go......" I believe that in his mind he used this strong wording to make a point rather than to make a real accusation toward Judes. Nevertheless, it was about as an inflammatory choice of words as one could conjure up and most list members see it as a below-the-belt slam.

Let us put ourselves in Judes' shoes. All evidence suggests that she is a loving mother who is doing her best to care for her child and is willing to sacrifice whatever necessary for his benefit. There is probably nothing more insulting for a good mother than to be accused of being a bad mother. Therefore, unless Judes is a superhuman being from the 15th dimension she was bound to feel some strong emotion, possibly even rage from that remark.

So does this move it into a category two emotion where grievances dwell?

Normally this would not be the case - not unless she has given away her power to casual friends such as Brian and others. With a category one emotion you can feel great anger, outrage and indignation, but you will not suffer a grievance unless power is misplaced.

One can rant and rave and make lots of tempestuous noise with a class one emotion, yet harbor no grievance. On the other hand, one can suffer a class two emotion that begins with such subtlety over something that seems like nothing. You do not even realize that anything negative is happening until the seed is planted and suppressed, and begins to grow into grievance and hurt.

Casual acquaintances can dish out any insult they wish to me and it does not bother me at all. There are times, though, that my wife can make a very innocent remark that seems harmless that can affect me more than the angry insults of a thousand that do not have my personal trust. Therefore, Judes is justified in feeling some outrage here, but she should not feel a grievance.

Is there anything that could have transpired here today to make her feel a grievance - that could move the emotion over into class two? I believe so.

If, after Brian made that remark, all members of the list said nothing in her defense or seemed to acquiesce with the thought that Brian could be correct or worse still, that the only comments to come forward would be in support of Brian's statement; in this case, Judes would be likely to develop a hurt and grievance that would need to surface.

Why would this situation cause a grievance? Because Judes and others have developed a trust in the list members as a whole and look upon them as family, and family are close enough to stimulate grievances.

Fortunately, there are those who did stand up for Judes and gave her emotional support. As a result, I would guess that the potential grievance was diverted.

Suppose the offense is confined to class one category? Should we always control ourselves and return good for evil?

This is a judgment call, and judgment must indeed be used if one is to maintain the optimum in mental and physical health. If one does not check anger and outrage with some self control then he will create too much outgoing energy which will interfere with health, as well as soul contact. On the other hand, if he does not communicate or get in touch with his emotional feelings in a class one incident then he will be likely to suppress when a class two incident comes into play.

The main thing to do is to follow the urgings of your own soul to the best of your ability. Your inner self will tell you when you have gone too far in expression and it will also tell you when you have not gone far enough. As Glenys said, this is not a black and white thing, discernment must always be used. Another consideration is that people on different points on the Path have differing needs for emotional expression.

A grievance is black and white. It does not come by degrees. It is either there or it is not there. Whether it is caused by an unkind word or a major betrayal, the disturbance is the same. Anger and other emotions may vary in intensity with the degree of offense, but the actual grievance is quite uniform. A Course in Miracles teaches this principle. Let me quote: "There are no small upsets. They are all equally disturbing to my peace of mind."

I am glad to see that Susan is using this advice to her advantage. She tells us that she has given away too much of her power in the past and is seeking to disperse it with greater discernment in order to avoid grievances in the future.

I hope I do not embarrass her, but I thought I would make a comment that may be helpful to many, including her. She sent me some of her handwriting a while back and I took a look at it. In her writing is another characteristic that can increase the number of grievances.

Many downstrokes in her writing come down with a bow or bend in them. This indicates a bending of the will. Now a slight bending of the will is a good thing because it provides for reasonable compromise in a relationship and some compromise is always necessary. But a pronounced bending of the will indicates a person who goes out of their way to accommodate the desires of others at their own expense. This can lead to not standing up for your own interests, leading to grievances because your own needs are not met.

This is another area affecting the emotions that requires judgment. A certain amount of compromise is healthy for all involved, but if you are always the one giving in then sooner or later you will be tempted to suppress and pretend that all is well when all is not well.

Susan and the rest of us must always remember that we are just as important as the other person in relationships and must give ourselves equal opportunity for fulfillment.