2008-3-18 02:22:00
I've been contemplating Dan's unusual behavior toward me lately and had a sense that his post from 2006 may hold some clues. He later mentions that the experience he gives seems to correspond with that of Tolle's in his book. Whatever the case both this and Tolle's was an interesting experience.
If this gives you any insight into the current impasse please post your thoughts. If you have had a similar experience or want to comment on Dan's experience please post them also.
Taken from Message Number 27575, posted by Dan to The Keys Spiritual Discussion Group on Sept 23, 2006.
"A story and question on soul contact.
"The story of my life -- I screwed up.
"Awhile back I had an unusual "experience". I was confronted with 2 issues:
"(1) I (felt like I) was being forced to make a major spiritually oriented life-altering decision.
"And,
"(2) an ongoing conversation with a friend in which I thought he was bumping up against a major illusion (a well-hidden one that IMO the majority of us have).
"As Issue Number 1 was coming to a head, Issue Number 2 was 'heating up.' I thought that my friend was SOOoooo very CLOSE to seeing through this (at least what I egoically thought was a) major illusion!
"I thought I saw him approaching it closer and closer, step by step until reaching SUBLIME clarity and then for some reason suddenly the shades came down and nada, right back to the beginning as if nothing had ever happened.
"In my ego, I thought if there was just SOMETHING that I could do to cause him to look just a tiny bit harder at it, at himself, that he would be able to see that his ego was deceiving him and THAT would tip the scales and VOILA -- new friggin' eyes (that he could then use to help me with MY illusions in the future.
"While a rational person would likely have been more inclined to focus on Issue Number 1, I of course out of ego, was focused on Issue Number 2. And while it has taken me about a year to sort through, analyze and process the event I think I have come to some better understanding of myself through it in that:
"I like to be liked and I dislike feeling like (fear) having to "be the one" to tell someone a hard, but necessary truth in order to remain true to myself -- my sense of love (doing what is in your opinion is in the person's best interests regardless of all else) and personal sense of honor (honesty) - that is likely to hurt the person's feelings and cause them to be mad at (not like) me because others that should have (IMO) have NOT had the balls to tell them themselves. Stupid ego!
"So in other words, I allowed myself to get distracted from the soul ssue (Number 1) and was focused on myself and my own personality crap instead and in the midst of trying to decide whether to take the chance of ruining our friendship in order to push my friend to the limit (for his own good, blech) or not and just how far I should go -- almost off-handedly I made my decision regarding the soul/life Issue Number 1, which was really a no-brainer for me anyway as it basically involved choosing between truth/reality and beauty/pleasure.
"And in the midst of deciding what to do on each of these issues, this odd sensation kept coming over me in gradually increasing waves until it came to a head in a crescendo of:
"First of all bear in mind it is impossible to describe (I've tried to SEVERAL times) but the FEELING was as if everyone -- every single person I ever had or would know, like or respect along with everyone I didn't (basically the entire world of all the people that ever had or will exist) was ranged completely around and encircling me.
"Each and every person was using their individual different technique to get me to "change my mind and come to my senses"; arguing, yelling, wheedling, complaining, ordering, belittling, bullying, reasoning, etc, etc, etc. - every method that you can imagine to coerce someone into changing their mind was being used on me. My friends thinking I'm nuts, stupid, uneducated, dorky, INSANE, etc., all of it.
"This is really hard to describe but basically I felt like I was alone on an island of myself surrounded by a bottomless moat just wide enough to step across with a little effort and ranged around me as far and as wide as I could see was EVERTHING, this SEA of EVERYONE telling me how wrong I was and that all I had to do to be NORMAL was SOOOOO simple -- just change my mind, turn my back on myself (what I felt was right) and SIMPLY step across to their side, the side of normality, sanity and goodness along with the rest of the world.
"Now in reality, no one was telling me anything about anything but the above is as close as I can come to describing the turmoil I was feeling INSIDE.
"I began to be concerned about my own ability to be objective (to put it very mildly) and leaned very heavily upon my wife for support, I even exaggerated what I was feeling somewhat in my descriptions/explanations to her in order to try and give her a little EXTRA cause to doubt me, but she never did.
"I am pretty sure that if she had not been my unshakeable rock in the midst of that shitstorm, I would have been utterly and unretrievably destroyed beyond all recognition and use. I know that is hard to understand, it is for me still now, how I could have felt like that!
"Anyway this 'bad' feeling was interspersed with periods of exceptional good feeling in what seemed to me at the time and even up until a few days ago still did, in waves where the 'bad' seemed to coincide with the times when I was agonizing over whether to be 'blunt' with my friend or not, and the 'good' seemed to come immediately upon the heels of my actually deciding to and speaking 'bluntly' the plain truth (as I saw it) to him.
"Anyway, I basically made the final decision as to what to do in both cases (Issue Number 1 and Issue Number 2) simultaneously (at least it seemed so then) and immediately felt the most beautific joyful, happy, peacefullest feeling such that I never dreamed possible.
"The best way I can think of to describe it was that everything was right, just RIGHT. With the world, with EVERYTHING. It WAS as it SHOULD be, I knew the reality of the brotherhood of man, the benevolence of god and the goodness of the universe as a very basic reality that was so much of a no-brainer and a GIVEN that it was not even an issue that could COME to mind to consider.
"That there was no need to GIVE UP anything or change anything to ATTAIN it, it wasn't even attainABLE, it was just WHAT IS. And I KNEW it, it was not just wishful (or reasoned) thinking, I KNEW!
"It was like the best high from the best drug you can possibly imagine but without ANY of the negative side-effects -- no mental cloudiness, no emotional roller-coastering, no downside at all.
"My mind was perfectly clear and functioned as well if not better than normal, I was able to deal with issues (that normally would have been interpreted as negative) as they arose concisely, quickly and effectively EXCEPT there was no negativity associated with any of them, they were just THINGS to be dealt with and forgotten. Of no more, nor LESS importance than any other event.
"It was a feeling like a person would give up anything, ANYTHING, ANY THING at all in order to have! ALONG WITH the simultaneous KNOWING that not only was it not necessary to 'give anything up' to 'get', there was nothing a person HAD to do or COULD do or especially nothing to GIVE UP in order to 'get' it.
"I know that doesn't make any sense but it is the closest I can come to describing it.
"The feeling itself was peaceful but with the power and dynamism of the most ecstatic happiness. I normally think of peace as an easy-going contentment, everything is good but an even-tempered fairly low, sedate energy type feeling and happiness as a very out-going, energetic, bouncing off the walls type dynamic energy, so if you took that contentment kind of utter PEACE but gave it the dynamic energeticness of absolute HAPPY, that is what I FELT.
"This PEACE stayed with me for a couple days before I started noticing that it was (or possibly worrying that it might) wear off somehow. I remember asking my wife to try to stay as positive around me as possible as I thought that might help me maintain -- but as a couple more days went by my usual negativity crept back in gradually until shortly I was mostly, except for that beautiful memory, back to my normal old self.
"Anyway, my MOST stupid and extremely egotistical error (and there were several) was -- since I was personality focused and worrying about myself and my fears of hurting my friend's feelings -- I took the above peaceful experience as confirmation that I was doing the right thing in dealing with HIM in relation to Issue Number 2 by pushing him (basically banking on his trust and respect of me to cause him to wonder why I was being 'so mean' to him to 'push him over the edge,' as it would be highly out of character for me to say the least) RATHER THAN as confirmation of my decision to stand firm on the soul, LIFE Issue Number 1!
"Because I had never experienced anything even remotely like that, had never imagined even my WILDEST dreams anything could BE like that -- as it kept coming wave after wave increasing in intensity until culminating in my description above, I just kept assuming that this, this now man, THIS must be what REAL, TRUE soul contact is like.
"I kept thinking and remembering that the soul usually leads one in a direction contrary to and opposite to what his personality WANTS and normally WOULD do and I knew that I (my personality) sure as heck didn't want to 'meanly poke and prod' at my friend as I felt I could/should (to egoically 'help him over' his illusion so what did I do?
"Yep, you guessed it, idiot that I am I used the above experience of peace as confirmation/justification that what I didn't WANT to do was what I SHOULD do and pushed my friend up to and beyond the strain limit of our friendship and busted it into little teeny, tiny splinters.
"And I have continued to think up until just a short time ago - idiot, Idiot, IDIOT! that I am, that my soul had lead me to do this coercing of my brother in this horrible manner by EXPECTING and depending upon (imposing upon) my friend's respect for me to turn the tide! Talk about a beast!
"How could I have done that? It goes against everything that I believe I believe!
"I now think (finally) that my 'peace experience' must have been, rather than an example of 'soul contact', more along the lines of a confirmation experience by spirit that was INTENDED to confirm for me that my life choice regarding Issue Number 1 was aligned with soul direction.
"But because I was entirely focused in my personality, I instead attributed it to the other, probably completely inconsequential and illusionary issue that now sits like a heavy dark cloud between my friend and I, that I doubt I would EVER be able to forgive were our roles reversed.
"Is an event like this possible? How can one get TRUE 'direction' and spiritual help like this and yet be able to so THOROUGHLY misinterpret it?
"Assuming this was not all just a fig newton of my imagination, how can I prevent such a horrible misunderstanding from ever happening again?
"I guess my question is:
"Looking back on it -- if anything, this was likely CONFIRMATION that I wrongly interpreted as DIRECTION but:
"Can one even GET true direction (confirmation either for that matter) via the soul that is NOT accompanied by, and does not necessarily ever include, understanding? Or will it always make sense at the time (or very shortly after) it is received?"
[End of quoted post.]
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