1998-12-13 21:07:00
Time to lighten up...
An interesting point here is that one of the main differences between the Brotherhood of Light and the Dark Brothers is that the Lights have a good sense of humor and the Dark ones take themselves much much too seriously.
As an example look at Winston Churchill who was the main representative of the Brotherhood during World War 2. He is often quoted because of his humor. Then too Abraham Lincoln was well known for his humorous anecdotes, but who can recall a funny thing Hitler said?
No need to go to the far mountains of Tibet to discover the secrets of life. Here are the answers to some of the greatest questions of all time revealed here and now in this column...
Question: How big is the universe?
Answer: Bigger than it used to be.
Question: When was the beginning of the universe?
Answer: A long time ago.
Question: If a tree falls and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?
Answer: Yes. (We are glad to finally settle this.)
Question: Where did I come from?
Answer: Probably California.
Question: Why am I here?
Answer: To find out why you are here.
Question: Where am I going?
Answer: Open your eyes. It's right in front of you.
Question: What am I supposed to do with my life?
Answer: Whatever you want to.
Question: Where did God come from?
Answer: The Bible actually says "God came from Teman." (Habakkuk 3:3 - King James Version)
Question: Is there life after death?
Answer: Yes. To prove it, hang around a government office building at 5:00 PM. You will see numerous lifeless bodies brought back to life.
Question: Is Elvis alive? (This is an important one!)
Answer: Yes. He has been roaming the country on a Harley-Davidson with some aging Hells Angels and was seen last week judging a wet T-shirt contest at the Hi-Ho in Garden City, Idaho.
Question: What is the cure for cancer?
Answer: Kill the cancer cells.
Question: Will there be another Big Bang?
Answer: Not if we get rid of Saddam Hussein.
Question: Where do odd socks disappear to?
Answer: One-legged Gremlins steal them while you are sleeping.
Question: When will the world end?
Answer: You don't want to know. Live as though it never will.
Question: What is the greatest good I can do in my life?
Answer: Buy some Scope and use it.
Question: Will computers ever replace humans?
Answer: Definitely not! For every human job a computer replaces it takes two people to build it, three to program it, one to ship it, one to sell it and six to repair it after a frustrated computer operator bounces it off a wall.
Question: Why are men and women attracted to each other?
Answer: Give us a while on that one.
Question: Are there really flying saucers?
Answer: Yes. The next time you see a female with a saucer in her hand explain to her how men are more intelligent than women. You will then see a flying saucer.
Question: Are any of the stories about aliens printed in the National Enquirer true?
Answer: Yes. In June, 1986 some aliens from the star system Alpha Centura were visiting our planet and picked up a copy of the Enquirer which had a story about aliens from Sirius. Since these were enemy aliens they abducted the publisher and interrogated him. The publisher admitted that the story was a hoax and they let him go. The National Enquirer then printed the true account with the publisher's name changed. No one believed it even though it was their one true story.
Question: Are aliens secretly living among us?
Answer: Yes. They dominate the TV talk shows. Prominate aliens are, Jerry Springer, Salley Jesse, Ophra, & Geraldo, If you look at them closely you'll see they are not like the rest of us. Other famous aliens are Sylvester Stallone (who has never lost his alien accent), Roseanne (She revealed her alien self when she sang the National Anthem), Bart Simpson, James Carville and Ken Starr.
Question: Why do aliens visit the earth?
Answer: Most of them are on vacation and just need a good laugh.
Question: Are aliens working through Bill Clinton?
Answer: Two of them are -- James Carville and Dick Morris.
Question: Why don't the aliens reveal themselves?
Answer: They have. James Carville, as their representative revealed all to President Clinton, but Clinton thought he was joking. "You're not smart enough to build a space ship." he said.
Question: Do aliens want to help us or hurt us?
Answer: They don't know what to do with us.
Question: Have we ever had an alien President?
Answer: Yes. It was Nixon.
Question: What do aliens think about us?
Answer: They think that Godzilla was a cool dude, but they are not sure about the rest of us.
Question: What do UFO's use for fuel?
Answer: Big Macs. This explains why MacDonalds has sold so many hamburgers.
Question: Are aliens willing to share technology with us?
Answer: Only if we give them all the Levi's they want. They sell on the black market for 200 space credits per pair.
Question: When you reach a train crossing why is it that you often see an engine with several trains and a caboose come to a stop right in front of you and then move back and forth stalling traffic for about a half hour before they move on?
Answer: These are special trains run by the super secret Department of Irritation under the direction of the CIA. They have been secretly studying the effects of irritation on Americans for about twenty years. Numerous little old ladies are on the payroll.
Question: Are there any men who are more interested in a woman's mind than her body?
Answer: There is one. His name is Clarence Feeblemorph a 102 year old beet farmer from Parma, Idaho. He wants a woman who can discuss the deep issues raised by the National Enquirer.
Question: Are there any women who are more interested in a man's character than his money, looks and power?
Answer: After an exhaustive search we did find one -- a sweet little 98-year old jewel in New Plymouth, Idaho called Janice Morphondom. It's too late for you bachelors out there because as soon as we told her about Clarence Feeblemorph she started brushing up on her National Enquirer and hustled over to Parma.
Question: Why do teenagers think they are in love when it is obvious it is just lust?
Answer: For the same reason you did when you were a teenager and probably several times after that.
Question: Will Dan Quayle ever run for President?
Answer: Yes. But after losing in the primaries he will start his own party called the Quayle-in-the-Bush party. He will get six votes in the national election. "Not bad" he will be quoted as saying. "I knew there was someone out there who likes me."
Question: Who will replace Clinton in the year 2000?
Answer: The President elect.
Question: Whose deep voice is it that announces "THIS IS CNN."
Answer: God.
Question: How did Congress ever balance the budget?
Answer: They took a giant pair of scales and put all the money in the budget on one scale and then swept up all the horse manure in the halls of Congress and put it in the other scale. The two weights balanced each other off pretty good.
Question: Why is the sky blue?
Answer: Because it wouldn't look like sky if it wasn't blue.
Question: If my brain is supposed to be more advanced than any computer on the earth, why can't I remember where I put my pen?
Answer: Good question.
Question: How do you cure hiccups?
Answer: Put your head under water and count to 2000.
Question: Does anything last forever?
Answer: Yes. Clinton and/or Monica jokes.
Question: Will Bill Clinton ever resign or be removed from office?
Answer: After a short while the pressure will get so great that he will go stark raving mad and begin worshipping Rush Limbaugh as God. At that point the Democrats will finally see that his sins have reached the level of impeachment and get him out of there.
Copyright 1998 by J.J. Dewey, All Rights Reserved